We may never come any closer to the zombie apocalypse than Black Friday at Walmart, but who are we to ignore the promptings of popular culture? And, let’s face it, there are probably zombie-crazed Walking Dead fans out there somewhere–injecting corpses with espresso shots and Four Loko in the hope that they’ll rise again.
If one of these budding Dr. Frankensteins succeeds in waking the dead, remember these survival tips (and watch Zombieland) and you’ll stand a marginally lesser chance of winding up as a rotting, drooling, flesh-frenzied corpse.
Befriend a Doomsday Prepper
They’re out there, the people with basements full of gold, underground food storage facilities and enough weaponry to take down Iron Man. If you want to survive the zombie apocalypse (or hide out from an enraged ex for a while), then doomsday preppers are excellent people to be on good terms with.
Most of them are a tad twitchy and bug-eyed, but they’ll significantly increase your survival chances in a post-apocalyptic world. To befriend a doomsday prepper, start hanging out around at your local Precious Metals Exchange. Preppers generally invest in hard currency, so you’ll be sure to meet a few there.
Strike up a conversation about the inevitability of social collapse, the government, or growing potatoes at home and you’ll be in the club. Build the relationship to the point where you have an open invite to their fortress, and you’ll be all set for when the zombies come calling.
Zombie-Proof Your Home
Before you make it to a safe location, you’re going to need to buy yourself enough time to prepare yourself and gather your belongings. If you live in a first-story apartment with a lot of windows, then short of announcing to the world that you’re nuts by boarding up all of your windows, your best hope is going to be a fast escape and easy access to weaponry.
If you live in an upstairs apartment, you can buy yourself more time by keeping heavy furniture close to your door. When the zombies come calling, block the doorway until you’ve gathered your weapons and survival essentials. Now, take a moment to analyze your escape routes. Do you have a back staircase? A handy parachute? A secret tunnel through the air vents? If so, then the next time you’ve had one too many glasses of wine, do a practice zombie attack drill.
In doing so, you will discover how many pounds you need to lose in order to fit through your vent, and how up-to-scratch your parachuting skills are. If all goes well, you will still be alive to witness the zombie apocalypse afterwards.
Prepare Your Weaponry
Unless you happen to be Usain Bolt’s faster cousin, then you’re probably going to need some zombie-proof weapons in order to pull off a successful escape. If you live with your mother and don’t want her to find ninja-blades and a machine gun stashed under your bed, then you may have to make do with the best makeshift weapons you can come up with.
Traditionally, zombies are killed by a heavy blow to the head–although in some cases complete decapitation is required. Try taking a stroll by your local lake or river. If you’re lucky, you will find a good zombie-bashing rock.
Using duct tape, attach the zombie-bashing rock to a hardy tree branch. If your mother asks, tell her you’re using it as a Gandalf staff for Halloween–considering the price of Gandalf staffs at the Halloween store, your tale will be quite believable. If you fail in your quest for an appropriate zombie-bashing rock, then a shovel or a metal baseball bat can be used as a viable zombie-bashing alternative.
Please note: Ask a doctor or pharmacist before attacking zombies if you suffer from any of the following conditions:
- high blood pressure
- cardiac arrhythmia
- bad cholesterol
Stop attacking zombies and consult a doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms:
- redness or swelling
For more tips and totally applicable tricks about surviving the zombie apocalypse, check out the infographic below!